Sach Ka Saamna… Part 3

(Part 1 & 2 being already done by Ashish and Azra respectively.)

The rules are thus…
RULE 1
You can only say Guilty or Innocent
RULE 2
You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone messages you and asks!

Nopes. I will give my explanations.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Innocent. A casual peck on the cheek or a hug is all that my gal friends have got from me so far. I am very straight.

Asked someone to marry you?
Guilty. Yes, I have done that and meant it too.

Ever told a lie?
Totally guilty. BTW did I mention I can lie really well?

Had feelings for someone whom you can’t have back?
Innocent and Guilty, both. Actually I have never really had feelings for someone who did not have them for me first. But ya, had fellings for someone whom I got, then lost (and it continued forever) and have finally found him again!!! The future.. well nobody knows it.

Kissed a picture?
Guilty. Never of a guy or of a superstar, but of a very cute pup (The poster in my room, I kiss it like atleast a 100 times everyday). Can’t resist pups and kittens.. they are soooo very cute.

Slept in until 5 PM?
Innocent. The maximum I have slept has been till 2.30 PM when my mum comes home from her job. Not to mention the sound scolding I got after that!!!

Danced on a table in a bar?
Innocent. I am 22 and never been to a pub, disc, bar or even to a club. But that’s one thing I really really wanna do.. get stone drunk and dance on a table top.

Fallen asleep at work/school?
GUILTY. Absolutely. Totally. The ques. should have been who hasn’t???

Been suspended from school?
Guilty. Not from school, but from XIME. Me and Rahul were playing ‘missed calls’ game during a presentation, when suddenly our marketing teacher caught hold of Rahul’s cell and saw all my missed calls. Took us to the Dean and he suspended us for 3 days. Rahul cried, I did not. Well, he had a reason too, since the Dean also confiscated his cell, and read all his messages and checked his contact and call list (and he was our Ethics prof. in college.. duhuh!!). Anyways, I was very tensed at first (bcz that was my first suspension & I also had to pay a fine of Rs. 500) and then was very happy bcz that meant I got chutti for 3 days which I spent by getting up real late, having breakfast at Satkar, followed by a movie at Forum Mall and finally a dinner treat by my friends at Dominos. I was a real rockstar!!!

Worked at a fast food restaurant?
Innocent. Nah, thought about working in McD during my college days, but din’t get permission from dad. Thank god.

Stolen from a store?
Innocent. I am a real scare baby, could never muster up enough courage to do it.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
Guilty. This always happens with me when I am having Coke.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Innocent. I am not at all a snow person. I prefer beaches and mountains.

Kissed in the rain?
Innocent. We were walking on the road and it was raining, and I felt like kissing him on impulse. But I obviously didn’t bcz we were “just friends”… basically I am a coward.

Sat on a roof top?
Guilty. I totally loved the terrace of XIME girls’ hostel... it was on the 3^rd floor, no noise of traffic or anything could penetrate/disturb me and I used to sit there for like hours staring at the stars or the twinkling of lights at far off distance. It was also the place where I used to go to relax, to have some private moments with myself, and also to chat with friends or talk on the phone without being overheard by anyone. But I miss it the most bcz that’s where I used to cry too when I missed home or ‘someone’.

Sang in the shower?
Guilty. More than that, I love dancing in the shower with romantic songs being played in the background. That’s where I play out my romantic fantasies that I can’t really fulfil in reality.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
Innocent.

Made a girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Guilty. I regret it. But couldn’t help it.

Shot a gun?
Innocent. I hope we are talking about real guns here, bcz I love to shoot water balloons at holi and the normal balloons at stalls where you get a prize in return.

Donated Blood?
Innocent. The only time I tried donating blood was in XIME. But they did not take mine bcz my weight was 3 kgs less than what they wanted. They did not even check my haemoglobin. But I really wanted to experience that feeling.

Eaten alligator meat?
Innocent. Please tell me who eats alligator meat except the guy on Discovery Channel (Man v/s Wild)

Still love someone you shouldn’t?
Guilty. Apparently the song’s that I am listening now says, “Maanga jo mera hai, jaata kya tera hai, maine kaunsi tujhse jannat maang li.. Kaisa khuda hai tu, bas naam ka hai tu, rabba jo teri itni si bhi na chali”…. lol

Liked someone, but will never tell who?
Guilty. I have never told my crushes that I used to like them. But if its serious, then I do tell them.

Been too honest?
Guilty. I always tell whatever I feel very strongly about. Never really bothered to stop and think about the consequences first.

Kissed someone you shouldn’t?
Innocent. Kisses are very special to me, I never do it unless I am very sure. Which means, unless I am TOTALLY IN LOVE.

Ruined a surprise?
Innocent. I have never knowingly ruined anybody’s surprise, but my surprises are ALWAYS ruined. So I understand the importance of surprises, each failure hurts a lot.

Ate in a restaurant and got really bloated that you couldn’t walk afterwards?
Guilty. We used to stuff ourselves to the brim with good hotel food when I was in XIME, Bangalore bcz the hostel food was inedible and our only salvation was outside food.

Erased someone from your friends list?
Guilty. I don’t do it a lot of times, but that means THE END to me. Only one person has been able to come back till now.

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if you’re a guy) or man’s clothes (if you’re a girl)?
Innocent. Even when I was an infant, I was dressed up in cute frocks and skirts to emphasise on the point that I am a GIRL (being the only one in my generation!!!)

Been told that you’re handsome or beautiful by someone who totally meant what they said?
Guilty. A lot.

Had communication with your ex?
Guilty. More so bcz my “EX” was never really my ex.. I never stopped loving him or stopped having feelings for him. So he was never really my ‘past’, but was always my ‘present’, though I was totally hopeless about ‘future’. Well that’s what’s Love for me.. once there, always there. I am mushy in love. “Pehli baar mohabbat ki hai… Akhiri baar mohabbat ki hai… “

Got totally drunk on the night before exam?

Innocent. Leave exams, never been totally drunk in my life, but this does not imply that I havn’t tried drinks before.

I tag everyone who wants to have a little fun, and is not scared of speaking the truth.

Double update.. exams approaching!!! ;)

1 A.M.

Online now.. yet nobody to talk to.. my entire gtalk list is offline...where's everyone??? Feeling lonely... wish to talk to someone (anyone actually) about completely random and mindless stuffs.. got a total of 93 entries in my phonebook, yet nobody to call at this time.. queer, isn't it? Feeling strange myself.. Why does it happen that when i want to talk, there's nobody; and when i am in a hurry/busy/not in a mood to talk, its only then i get sooo many calls and messages and buggings on gtalk(despite the DND sign)???

Life.. indeed thou are strangest of all.. I bow before you..

Let it RAIN....

Rain..

clouds, pour out your feelings

uptil suppressed, feared, unacknowledged

Rain..

clouds, vent it out

and drench me in your feelings

let my tears dissapear in your raindrops

let them be one now

wash my sorrows away

Rain..

let the world never know the truth

and believe what they see

let them see only the beginning

and not the painful end

Rain..

die yourself and give birth to others

RAIN, RAIn, RAin, Rain, rain....

Tired...

Tired… yes that’s exactly what I am right now.

Tired of running away from the truth.

Tired of avoiding it

When it stands in front of me

When I know the difference between a truth and a lie

And tired of facing it as well.

Tired of life

Of the world

Of myself

Of accepting things

Of denying things

Of being rude

Of fighting

Of being sorry

Of being hurt

Of hurting people

I am tired of love

Of friendship

Of my own people

Of complete strangers

Of acquaintances trying to get too close

I am tired of talking too much

And of being silent

Of the need to explain myself

Or to listen to explanations

I am tired of thinking whom I can speak to without being judged

Of avoiding people

And of getting avoided and ignored

Completely TIRED of life. Want to end it right away.

But I am tired of thinking about this too.

I cannot do it…. I am tired of being a coward

Tired of being brave too.

Tired of everything.

Tired of waiting…. Will it ever end?

Will it ever give me answers…. for my problems, for my excessive thinking, to what I am or want to be, of the questions I have never asked myself….

TIRED…. TIRED… TIRED.

 

Happy Birthday Bloggie... Muaahhhh

27th april, 09

My blog completes a year according to the Hindu calender. Thats because on 8th May last year i started my blog on the auspicious day of Akshay Tritiya.. and yesterday it was Akshay Tritiya.. so my blog's completed a full circle.. And the stupid stupid me could'nt find time to wish it.. So here it goes...

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear bloggie, happy birthday to you!!! Thank you for always being there for me. I love you....

  

Dedicated to my pillow...

Taking all the beatings and screaming I had to inflict on,

My best fighting partner,

But also being there when I needed to fall back or cuddle,

Protecting me from all the ugliness of the world,

Teaching me, coaching me and being my mentor,

Not only about the world but also about my relationships and outlook towards life,

Hearing me out always,

Talking me out of irrational decisions,

Always having a word of advice, but also being fun to be with,

Cracking jokes, making light of the situation,

But lending a supportive shoulder whenever I needed to cry,

Sometimes scolding, but patient and understanding all the same,

Sometimes talking sense, mostly non sense,

But entertaining all the same…

Thank you for always being there for me..

You made me what I am today!!!

P.S. Dedicated to that special person in my life, whom i fondly refer to as my 'pillow' because no matter how far i go, i'll always find him right there for me, as constant as the universe itself. Thank you dear!!! 

THE MOST UNUSUAL LOVE STORY!!!

Disgust at first site! Well that’s not exactly how a typical love story begins. Right? But then who said its typical? Normally it ought to be “love at first sight” or atleast “hatred at first sight” since “hate is the first step towards love” and blah blah blah! but “disgust”? Well it is actually possible if the person in question is lanky (the lankiest one you have ever seen), with legs like that of a chicken which is running all over the place (or cockroach it was?) and so funny (oops weird) looking, that your first reaction is to say “cheeeeee….yuckkk….  What is it?” and that’s exactly how I reacted the first time my mum showed me my kid brother, who’s by the way 6 years younger than me. It was heartbreaking for my mum, to say the least. It wasn’t going to be easy, I am sure she knew this much. But this reaction? And later I was also told that all my three mamas & masi had also reacted the same way. It was not that my bro was ugly looking or abnormal in any which way, its  just that  replacing the most adorable and pampered only girl child of the family is not easy. Also I must agree that (in all humility), I was all rosy and pinky and cute and had beautiful locks of hair on my head and quite plump  when I was born (more like the kids of Johnson’s baby products ads) and on the contrary my bro was extremely thin, all white and completely bald. Not exactly a very charming sight! Also the first person to see us both the first time, after the doctors and nurses ofcourse, was my nani*, and even she exclaimed “Mou was better looking, no?” Well I told ya I am just way too spoilt. Did somebody just say that being the only girl of the family has its own advantages? Well I surely can’t agree more with this.

So after my mum brought him home (my nana*- nani’s  place that is as per  the traditions, where I was already staying that time so that my masi* can take care of me while my mum’s at the hospital.. that’s how much my nani trusted my dad to take care of me!), me and my youngest mama* got busy plotting to kill my bro, cook up his legs as we would cook up  a chicken, and eat him up. Even after years, I would run after my bro saying that I would eat up his legs, and then act as if I have already done that, and he, the perfect dumbo, would run to my mum and complain. Then my mum would shoo us from the kitchen and then it was me v.s him again in the house. What all things have I not done to him? Thinking about it makes me laugh so hard that sometimes tears roll out of my eyes… ohh wait are they tears of happiness or a tinge of guilt is also there somewhere? Ahh well who cares? He’s my pet, my favourite toy. I had always wanted a kid sis, and since that did not happen, I used to dress up my bro as a girl, with full costumes, make up and accessories and make him dance for me while I always (ALWAYS) played the hero, or the villain or some other  male character. I bullied him, I teased him, I irritated him, I fought with him, I slapped him, I beat him up black and blue, I hated him and yet he’s always loved me. Its not that he never fought back, and brutal fights those used to be, with each beating the other, pulling out hair, jumping, shouting, screaming, crying, howling, running wildly after each other… what else and what not. We fight even now, though these are more refined and sophisticated in manner, silent in nature and sporadic in occurrences. I always used to tease him that he’s not my parents’ biological child and that he got changed in the hospital due to some confusion. That story kept on developing and with the passage of time more and more characters kept on adding up. Sometimes he was a pup whom we adopted, sometimes a cub, at other time a kitten, calf, chick, cub.. anything that I liked. The best  was the story I made up that he’s actually a piglet who used to live in the garbage dump off our block with his pig family, and one day I picked him up from there because I found him cute, washed him, coloured him in human complexion and with the help of medicines made him stand on two legs, elongated him and voila adopted him as my kid bro. I told him the story with such conviction and repeated it so many times, even got my parents and mamas n masi to validate it, that he actually believed it, and till a few years back all he knew was that he’s adopted. Ok ok now don’t hate me!!! I did all those things, but also saved him thousands of time from my parents and grandparents’ scoldings, allowed him to sit on my back while I became his horse, played with him whenever he was getting bored, praised his  out- of-  the- world drawings, watched cartoons with him, shared his secrets,danced and sang with him, took his side whenever  he fought with his friends and made them apologise to him and accept that they were wrong ( DON type character that I was I somehow always managed to scare off his friends!)

Grown up with a feeling of jealousy and a resentment that everyone loves me more than him (which is true by the way) and me always touted as ‘The Ideal Child’ who’s good in everything, be it in academics, social manners, relationships etc. and he a ‘Loser’ (not exactly but ya.. I am wicked) right now he’s trying his best to beat my board score so that now people would know that he’s better than me, get the latest and most expensive mobile as a gift from me and generally show the world that he’s something at last, an individual to say the least. I have never seen him working so hard before, so dedicated, such determination.. I just hope he scores well and I am actually praying that he beats me, and this unhealthy jealousy at last takes some positive results.

Now that he turned 16 this March 4^th, I suddenly realised how fast time flies away when you don’t want someone to grow up. He’s an adolescent now. Almost on the verge of adulthood. My bro, my little pet.. and now a Man. The feeling is quite strange actually. He has become more matured and understands things better, me included, teases me more about my love affairs, secrets have transited from whom we hate/dislike to whom we like/love or have crushes on, about studies and careers, and future decisions.  But this is not what I want. I still want him to be his sweet, innocent and kiddo self, whom I can pamper, protect, fuss about and generally feel great about. After I have come to Bangalore, I have this feeling that we have grown  fonder of each other. I sometimes cry at night when I see how much he has matured, and just pray that he doesn’t fall into bad company that would erode away his innocence.

I might have never  told him that I love him, I care for him the most.. and I am sure I never will accept this, but today I just want to say it all here where he cannot read it. Gappu, I love you the most, truly. No matter I show it or not, I just want you to know this. You have always been good to me, the best I would say. You are the greatest brother anyone can ever ask for, and sometimes I think I don’t deserve you but I know I am lucky to have you. I love you. And no matter how much I show my irritation when you hug me tightly or plant wet kisses on my cheeks, I never want you to stop doing that. You have always been my closest confidant, and I promise I’ll remain true to you always, and never tell mum or dad about your secrets. It has been, and always been between us two.

As I said, the most unusual love story.  

P.S. Nana= maternal grandpa, nani= maternal grandma, Mama= maternal uncle and Masi= maternal aunt. I am close to all of them.  

Tonight I Can write... By Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, ‘the night is shattered

And the blue stars shiver in the distance.’

 

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

 

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

 

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

 

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

 

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

 

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

 

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

 

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

 

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

 

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

 

Another’s. She will be another’s. Like my kisses before.

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

 

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

 

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

 

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

And these the last verses that I write for her.

P.S.  I did not write this. Cant even come closer to the genius. I read this poem in my last year of graduation, and it struck me as the most beautiful, passionate and romantic poem I have ever read. So just thought about sharing it with everybody who have till now not being fortunate enough to read it.  Also the lovers of poetry can sometimes go through the poems of Browning and Tennyson.. They write fantastically well. Also everybody must have heard the name of Shakespeare.. Just read his 'Tragic Dramas', they are mind blowing. Also his sonnets. 

 

Cute? Is that your problem?

Why do guys mind being called ‘cute’? I mean when you appreciate honesty in a girl, and praise her when she dares to call a spade a spade on the face; then what is the big deal about her calling you ‘cute’ when she actually does find you cute? This is one question that has never failed to baffle me, and I am desperately trying to search for its answer. See, agreed, that my definition of “cute” differs from others, but then I am entitled to have my own opinions. I find a friend of mine very very cute (and he hates the tag, and jokes about it), I even find pups, kitties and small babies very cute (especially the roly poly ones.. the latest being the baby Krishna.. he’s too cute and I am in love with him.) In the institute there’s a guy who looks like a cute grown up baby and I have christened him Cutie Pie.. But I am not supposed to call him that in public. Why? Because he thinks only girls can be called cute. His best friend tells me that it hurts his male ego. So does manliness lies in looking macho? Just in that? AJ said that, “Cute sounds a touch girly. Guys would better be known as tough, rough, macho etc. So they would like if you find them cute but hate it if you say so in public. Male ego.” I say bullshit. I give nick names to all my friends who are really special to me, and prefer being called by my nick name only by them. That’s my way of showing that I care. That they are close to me. That they mean something to me. But no.. now I know how true it is that girls are from venus and boys are from mars. Huh. I mean girls love it if they are given a pet name, but boys… they smirk and make a face. I guess “boys will be boys.” Its not only very difficult to understand girls, but guys for me are incomprehensible as well.